Real Sex Talk between Parents and Their Kids
Does it terrify you to talk to your kids about dating, sex, and human sexuality? Well maybe that might be too extreme, but maybe you feel uncomfortable and don’t know where to start with the topic? It’s easy to hope that your child isn’t mature enough to have those feelings or curiosity yet, but most likely, even if they don’t, their friends and peers may already be talking about it. It’s very common to have “crushes”, and for kids to claim that they have a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” since 1st grade. Boys especially those with ADD/ADHD, tend to have earlier awareness of their sexuality and sexual feelings that start at a younger age. There is nothing wrong with it, and it is a natural biological feeling, but parents should be aware of this development as they may need to address it. But as our kids grow up, start to enter the tween years, or even before that, it suddenly becomes that time to talk to them about dating and sex, before something happens to them that they weren’t prepared or ready for. In this day and age, kids are exposed to sexuality earlier in life through the media, music, and social media. Kids may think that it is normal for have hyper-sexualized behaviors and appearance from the characters they watch in cartoons, comics, and movies. Catchy songs allude to many adult content and kids are not aware of what they are singing about. Schools are also not adequately equipped to handle and deal with these issues of sexuality and sex ed, other than school counselors who speak individually to their clients about it. Schools and public agencies hesitate to go too deep into the topic, as it may not be what the parents want the school to teach their children, and schools do not need more liabilities or angry parents. So the question remains if the schools are not truly addressing human sexuality, and the parents aren’t talking about it, then how are the kids learning and is their information correct and accurate? Keep in mind that this is important information as it informs their behaviors in dating and towards the opposite sex and their intimate partners, not to mention how they perceive themselves and judge themselves. The question for parents is, since relationships, marriage, and partnerships are such an important part of your child’s future life, why are we not taking it seriously and investing in their proper education about it? With so much sexual violence and with a statistic that 1 in 5 (some places cite 1 in 3) girls will experience violence or abuse in their lives, how can we ignore teaching our children how to be safe and respectful to themselves and others? Imagine the conflict that children experience if they feel “different” than others because they may be bigger, taller, skinnier, shorter, darker, lighter, straight, bisexual, and so on? How will this translate to their behaviors in an intimate relationship? Can you see how easy it is for peer pressure or low self-esteem can lead our children to do something they may not want to do, and get hurt? As parents, thats the last thing we want for our children. So, how can WE, the ADULTS, get comfortable in our own skin, and get clear on what we want to teach our children about human sexuality? It’s a loaded topic and your children may not agree with you, as there may be generational difference and different values. But as you get clear on your stance, personal experiences, and feelings about human sexuality, you will be more comfortable to talk to your children about it. So here are some questions to think about that may help you get more clear:
This is where I can help you and your spouse. I can support you in getting clear around these topics, coach you on speaking to your kids, and then be there with you as facilitator and educator, when you do talk to you kids about it. I can also draft certain educational material for you if you want to use it during the conversation. It can be for one session, or for multiple sessions. It can be in the privacy of your own home where you will feel safe and comfortable. These are very important talks to have with your kids and you can’t rely on school or their friends or TV to teach them. Boys tend to be very insecure about girls, and girls tend to have low self-esteem and self-image. These feelings about themselves can later create real problems in their lives and in their relationships, for example, who they chose to be their partner, and if they are abusive or not. One thing you may not think about is how much your child wants your approval. If they feel that their values clash with yours, then it may tear them up inside even if they don’t show it or express it. This can lead to acting out and behaviors of self-harm. Human sexuality is a natural and inevitable part of life. We all have it. If we can approach it with a natural and non-judgmental attitude, then it won’t be such a taboo topic and our children will be more empowered for it. Therefore, let us use the tools of honest talks and education to keep our children safe from harm, exploitation and dating abuse.
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